Lately my mood has been fluctuating in terms of how I view revision and my chances of passing into second year. There are some days when I get up, feel positive, revise, get through my list of objectives for that day and go to bed feeling reasonably alright about my chances. I tell myself that every year the vast majority of people in GEP Y1 pass exams and progress to year 2. What's more, most of them pass on the first attempt. This is quite a comforting statistic. I tell myself that even if I'm not the smartest person on the course, I am at least of average ability (hopefully), and that if that's true, then if I put in the work I too should be able to pass along with all the other average people. Those days are good. I can look through a past paper without feeling panicky or like I don't have a clue about what I'm looking at. I can think up some reasonable answers, and when I check my notes a lot of the time I'm right too. It's an amazing feeling when you think you're progressing in the face of something as monolithic and massive as the content of the first year of an accelerated medical course.
Other days are just crappy from the off. I get up and from the outset I feel totally thick. Like someone's poured sand into my head overnight. I can't think straight and when I sit down to work I just feel really woolly and spaced out, like I've had too much to drink or like it's the first time I'm ever looking at this content (even though it isn't). It takes a long time for the content to sink in and when it does, it doesn't seem to stick around for long. I'll review the notes a few hours later and realise I've forgotten lots of details. Just in the space of a few hours. I'm not expecting perfect recall or anything, but a lot of the time it feels like I might as well have not bothered revising at all. If I look through a past paper on those days, none of it makes sense. I'll think of totally irrelevant or half-baked answers and most irritatingly of all, when I look through the answers afterwards, I actually realise that deep down I did know the answer to the question and that if I'd thought about it a bit harder I would have got it right. But for some reason, I just can't seem to make the connections in my mind at the time.
Today has been a day when I've felt pretty thick. I've been revising immunology and it's been really tough because there are so many different nitty-gritty little details to remember, and it doesn't seem to have been sticking. The only plus side is that after a crappy day like today, the only way is back up so I usually end up feeling a bit better for the next few days. It's an annoying cycle, but I can't really see a way out of it.
There are just over three weeks remaining til my first exam which means that in theory I should have enough time to be able to revise everything in order to make a decent attempt at passing the exam on the first go. But that's really dependent on having fewer crappy days like today and more of the efficient, feeling positive kinda days. In all fairness, I do mostly have positive days, but persevering through the negative ones can feel very tough at times.
It just feels like I'm stuck in the UCAS cycle again hoping against hope that I won't be rejected from medicine. Except now I'm actually here and I'm hoping against hope that I won't fail exams and have to leave medicine. The uncertainty and constantly feeling on edge really does sap all energy and life force out of you on some days.